Dealing With the Angry Child
1U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Public Health Service Alcohol, Drug Abuse, and Mental Health Administration
National Institute of Mental Health
Office of Scientific Information
1992
Plain Talk Series
Handling children's anger can be puzzling, draining, and distressing for
adults. In fact, one of the major problems in dealing with anger in
children is the angry feelings that are often stirred up in us. It has
been said that we as parents, teachers, counselors, and administrators
need to remind ourselves that we were not always taught how to deal with
anger as a fact of life during our own childhood. We were led to believe
that to be angry was to be bad, and we were often made to feel guilty
for expressing anger.
It will be easier to deal with children's anger if we get rid of this
notion. Our goal is not to repress or destroy angry feelings in
children-or in ourselves-but rather to accept the feelings and to help
channel and direct them to constructive ends.
Parents and teachers must allow children to feel all their feelings.
Adult skills can then be directed toward showing children acceptable
ways of expressing their feelings. Strong feelings cannot be denied, and
angry outbursts should not always be viewed as a sign of serious
problems; they should be recognized and treated with respect.
To respond effectively to overly aggressive behavior in children we need
to have some ideas about what may have triggered an outburst. Anger may
be a defense to avoid painful feelings; it may be associated with
failure, low ' self-esteem, and feelings of isolation; or it may be
related to anxiety about situations over which the child has no control.
Angry defiance may also be associated with feelings of dependency, and
anger may be associated with sadness and depression. In childhood, anger
and sadness are very close to one another and it is important to
remember that much of what an adult experiences as sadness is expressed
by a child as anger.
Before we look at specific ways to manage aggressive and angry
outbursts, several points should be highlighted:
We should distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger is a temporary
emotional state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to
hurt a person or to destroy property.
Anger and aggression do not have to be dirty words. In other words, in
looking at aggressive behavior in children, we must be careful to
distinguish between behavior that indicates emotional problems and
behavior that is normal.
In dealing with angry children, our actions should be motivated by the
need to protect and to teach, not by a desire to punish. Parents and
teachers should show a child that they accept his or her feelings, while
suggesting other ways to express the feelings. An adult might say, for
example, "Let me tell you what some children would do in a situation
like this... It is not enough to tell children what behaviors. we find
unacceptable. We must teach them acceptable ways of coping. Also, ways
must be found to communicate what we expect of them. Contrary to popular
opinion, punishment is not the most effective way to communicate to
children what we expect of them.
Responding to the Angry Child
Some of the following suggestions for dealing with the angry child were
taken from The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl and David Wineman. They
should be considered helpful ideas and not be seen as a "bag of tricks."
Catch the child being good. Tell the child what behaviors please you.
Respond to positive efforts and reinforce good behavior. An observing
and sensitive parent will find countless opportunities during the day to
make such comments as "I like the way you come in for dinner without
being reminded"; "I appreciate your hanging up your clothes even though
you were in a hurry to get out to play"; "You were really patient while
I was on the phone"; "I'm glad you shared your snack with your sister";
"I like the way you're able to think of others"; and "Thank you for
telling the truth about what really happened."
Similarly, teachers can positively reinforce good behavior with
statement like "I know it was difficult for you to wait your turn, and
I'm pleased that you could do it"; 'Thanks for sitting in your seat
quietly"; "You were thoughtful in offering to help Johnny with his spell
ing"; 'You worked hard on that project, and I admire your effort"
Deliberately ignore inappropriate behavior that can be tolerated. This
doesn't mean that you should ignore the child, just the behavior. The
'ignoring" has to be planned and consistent. Even though this behavior
may be tolerated, the child must recognize that it is inappropriate.
Provide physical outlets and other alternatives. It is important for
children to have opportunities for physical exercise and movement, both
at home and at school.
Manipulate the surroundings.
Aggressive behavior can be encouraged by placing children in tough,
tempting situations. We should try to plan the surroundings so that
certain things are less apt to happen. Stop a "problem" activity and
substitute, temporarily, a more desirable one. Sometimes rules and
regulations, as well as physical space, may be too confining.
Use closeness and touching. Move physically closer to the child to curb
his or her angry impulse. Young children are often calmed by having an
adult nearby.
Express interest in the child's activities. Children naturally try to
involve adults in what they are doing, and the adult is often annoyed at
being bothered. Very young children (and children who are emotionally
deprived) seem to need much more adult involve ment in their interests.
A child about to use a toy or tool in a destructive way is sometimes
easily stopped by an adult who expresses interest in having it shown to
him. An outburst from an older child struggling with a difficult reading
selection can be prevented by a caring adult who moves near the child to
say, "Show me which words are giving you trouble?
Be ready to show affection. Some times all that is needed for any angry
child to regain control is a sudden hug or other impulsive show of
affection. Children with serious emotional problems, however, may have
trouble accepting affection.
Ease tension through humor. Kidding the child out of a temper tantrum or
outburst offers the child an opportunity to "save face." However, it is
important to distinguish between face saving humor and sarcasm or
teasing ridicule.
Appeal directly to the child. Tell him or her how you feel and ask for
consideration. For example, a parent or a teacher may gain a child's
cooperation by saying, "I know that noise you're making doesn't usually
bother me, but today I've got a headache, so could you find something
else you'd enjoy doing?"
Explain situations. Help the child understand the cause of a stressful
situation. We often fail to realize how easily young children can begin
to react properly once they understand the cause of their frustration.
Use physical restraint. Occasionally a child may lose control so
completely that he has to be physically restrained or removed from the
scene to prevent him from hurting himself or others. This may also "save
face" for the child. Physical restraint or removal from the scene should
not be viewed by the child as punishment but as a means of saying, "You
can't do that." In such situations, an adult cannot afford to lose his
or her temper, and unfriendly remarks by other children should not be
tolerated.
Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses.
Help them to see that they can reach their goals.
Use promises and rewards. Promises of future pleasure can be used both
to start and to stop behavior. This approach should not be compared with
bribery. We must know what the child likes-what brings him pleasure-and
we must deliver on our promises.
Say "NO!" Limits should be clearly explained and enforced. Children
should be free to function within those limits.
Tell the child that you accept his or her angry feelings, but offer
other suggestions for expressing them. Teach children to put their angry
feelings into words, rather than fists.
Build a positive self-image. Encourage children to see themselves as
valued and valuable people.
Use punishment cautiously. There is a fine line between punishment that
is hostile toward a child and punishment that is educational.
Model appropriate behavior. Parents and teachers should be aware of the
powerful influence of their actions on a child's or group's behavior.
Teach children to express themselves verbally. Talking helps a child
have control and thus reduces acting out behavior. Encourage the child
to say, for example, 'I don't like your taking my pencil. I don't feel
like sharing just now."
The Role of Discipline
Good discipline includes creating an atmosphere of quiet firmness,
clarity, and conscientiousness, while using reasoning. Bad discipline
involves punishment which is unduly harsh and inappropriate, and it is
often associated with verbal ridicule and attacks on the child's
integrity.
As one fourth-grade teacher put it: "One of the most important goals we
strive for as parents, educators, and mental health professionals is to
help children develop respect for themselves and others? While arriving
at this goal takes years of patiem practice, it is a vital process in
which parents, teachers, and all caring adults can play a crucial and
exciting role. In order to accomplish this, we must see children as
worthy human beings and be sincere in dealing with them.
Adapted from "The Aggressive Child" by Luleen S. Anderson, Ph.D,, which
appeared in Children Today (Jan-Feb 1978) published by the Children's
Bureau, ACYF, DHEW.
| 
